An ambitious title, perhaps. We may have to take things in stride. I had a wonderful teacher, and I learned so much from him. But as I found myself saying to my new/old teacher, he was the perfect teacher for me, until he wasn’t.
Many things were not at all his fault. I got Lyme’s disease over a year ago, lost my little sister to addiction nearly a year ago, and fell into a funk. Gained weight, lost momentum, lost the mental ability to focus on a lengthy practice. I tell you, you don’t even know the things you can lose until you lose them. Not surprisingly, perhaps, I got hurt, a deep long standing hip injury that I tried for some time to work through.
It started, rather innocuously, as a curious reluctance to drop back into urdhva dhanurasa (wheel posture). In the context of my practice, I’ve been dropping back for years and I’ve never been afraid of backbends, but something happened, perhaps while I was working on kapotasana, and over the course of a year things went from bad to worse. Finally I decided to stop doing backbends for a while, and, for this and other reasons, to stop going to the shala. I have seen a difference, less hip pain, and none of the variety that wakes you from sleeping. Now the hip is sort of clicky, a bit sore if I tilt my pelvis, pushing the tail bone backwards and allowing it to nutate. Doesn’t feel quite optimal, but it’s better.
Somewhere in all of this it was suggested that it was all in my head. And there’s something to that, only what’s in your head can lead to an injury. Like Albus Dumbledore said to Harry within the confines of a dream, that doesn’t make it any less real.
When Sue Pentland, the woman who first taught me Ashtanga, announced that she was (finally!) starting a mysore program, my heart soared. This for sure is exactly what I need right now. A place to practice with people I know and love in a beautiful , divinely heated space with a teacher who accepts me as I am in this moment, whatever that is. Mostly she leaves me alone to heal, offering gentle assists and suggestions from time to time.
It’s perfect, and yesterday I bought a monthly pass. My only goals involve breath, bandha, and drishti. Although I can’t pretend that I don’t want my practice back the way it was, and the excitement of adding on new postures in 2nd series. But that will either come, or it won’t.
Meanwhile, I am renewed.